Saturday, June 30, 2007

I don’t think my family’s dinner conversations are altogether typical. Tonight my parents recounted the circumstances of their children’s conceptions.
While the details of mine and my brother’s weren’t crystal clear, the lives of the two wildest children definitely commenced on nights of celebration.
My sister was the result of a very good 31st birthday for my dad. And my youngest brother was the happy consequence of their 10th anniversary. My mom said my aunt threw them a surprise party that day and “plied them with champagne.”

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Friday, June 29, 2007

“I’m not photogenic,” my sister lamented.
“It’s important to know one’s own limitations,” my father offered as consolation.

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Thursday, June 28, 2007

Tonight, I sat in a store and read a little book called “I Like You.” It made me cry. So I had to pretend I was interested in learning about the flea markets of Italy until my eyes dried.

Before that, I was in a fancy paper store where I almost asked a man what he was buying because I was so intrigued by the two tiny cards he held in his hand. I bit my tongue, then followed him around. One came with a red envelope. Based on the store’s selection, it was either a get well card promoting the prompt disposal of dirty tissues or one that, in red lettering, said, “I love you.”

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Wednesday, June 27, 2007

My husband told me that when the astronauts were last in space they called my parents and asked them to turn down their TV.

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Tuesday, June 26, 2007

“Eternity. Eternity. Eternity.” She said more, but that’s all I can remember.

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Monday, June 25, 2007

“Long time, no see,” my mom said as I walked through the door. I scoffed and later realized it had been a whole eight days.

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Sunday, June 24, 2007

The sand, the surf, the thinly veiled excuse for exhibitionism and me, like a trespasser at a nudist colony, clad in blue jeans and a long-sleeved shirt.

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Saturday, June 23, 2007

Is it possible to bring a bad mood to the beach?
Yes! It travels perfectly packed alongside pasta salad and grapes.

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Friday, June 22, 2007

Global warming ain’t got nothing on whiskey making.
Jack Daniel’s Distillery is dismissing reports that the Tennessee drought could hamper production.
“We have been making Jack Daniel's with water from this cave spring for more than 140 years and have never had a water shortage,” the distillery assures its loyal clientele in a lengthy email sent Thursday.
“Our warehouses are filled with barrels upon barrels of Jack Daniel's … In other words, your favorite retailers and bars will continue to have plenty of our Tennessee Whiskey on hand.”

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Thursday, June 21, 2007

My husband is really good in the kitchen, unless you ask him to slice a loaf of bread lengthwise. In which case, he will dissect the specimen at its spine creating two symmetrical halves instead of separating the top from the bottom.

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Wednesday, June 20, 2007

I pulled a book from the bookcase and the large framed print resting on top of the shelves came crashing down along with four tiny Italian glass yogurt containers I use as flower vases.
My husband ran from one side of our home to the other to see if I was OK.
He seemed surprised to find me standing.
Later, I asked him what he thought had happened when he heard all that noise and me screaming.
“I thought you fell,” he said without hesitation.
And there it is, the fact that my challenge with gravity is the most likely cause of commotion within our home.

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Tuesday, June 19, 2007

My new doctor has been practicing medicine for so long that my great-grandmother was actually a patient of his. According to my grandma, he added 30 years to her mother’s life.

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Monday, June 18, 2007

Even the noble dictionary can’t escape the scope of marketing. The back of my reference version boasts a quote from The New York Times Book Review, proclaiming that it is “more suited to our national character than any other previous dictionary.”

I’d like to meet the person who was assigned the dubious task of reviewing words paired with definitions and find out just how he or she came to this conclusion.

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Sunday, June 17, 2007

In the immortal words of my father: “If you need help, panic.”

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Saturday, June 16, 2007

My husband points out the old man sitting alone at a large booth on the other side of the restaurant. He has no newspaper, no cell phone, no company. The man, who appears in his 70s, takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes. The gesture moves me to tears, and I secretly hope that his wife is in the bathroom. But no one ever joins him at the table. He drinks an ice tea, eats a steak dinner and then orders pie for dessert.

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Friday, June 15, 2007

Sobering news from Lynchburg, Tenn.: Jack Daniel’s may need to halt production of its whiskey due to a lack of creek water from a special, practically iron-free spring. I broke the news to my father. Like a camel, he’s storing reserves to weather the drought.

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Thursday, June 14, 2007

“Do you think all the saints in heaven get along?” I asked.
“Of course. Otherwise they probably wouldn’t be there. They would probably be somewhere else,” my husband replied.
He has a very good point, which isn’t such great news for me.

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Wednesday, June 13, 2007

I try to be nice and good. I just don’t like some of the people I feel I should.

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Tuesday, June 12, 2007

My new doctor gives out prayer cards along with pill prescriptions.

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Monday, June 11, 2007

The 12-year-old at the grocery store had brown hair and blue eyes. I told her they were beautiful and asked her if people tell her that a lot. She said they do. She was with her dad, buying groceries that included two cartons of ice cream.

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Sunday, June 10, 2007

“It goes without saying, but don’t even think about using those dishtowels without washing them first. I bought them at Costco and you can’t imagine how many people have touched them with their dirty hands.”
Germs are my grandmother’s Great Enemy.
“Oh, and children, they …” Bringing her hand to her face, the 81-year-old woman sticks out her tongue and gestures the unspeakable act of licking ones fingers.

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Saturday, June 9, 2007

I carry a purse the size of a suitcase, and today I couldn’t find a single pen. It made me think of how useless stuff is if it isn’t exactly what we need.

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Friday, June 8, 2007

I like writing. It’s the stringing of words into sentences that bothers me.

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Thursday, June 7, 2007

The idea is one sentence a day, people. So technically, I’m done.

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Wednesday, June 6, 2007

My parents came over for dinner for the first time in the year that I have lived 2.2 miles from them. My husband did most of the cooking. My mom brought the bread, wine, Jack Daniel’s and ice. Still, it felt like a step toward the place where grown-ups live.

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Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Best Friend With Four Kids: What are the chances of you having a girl?
No Children Not Pregnant: Umm, I would say 50/50.
Best Friend With Four Kids: I have this really beautiful Pottery Barn crib set for a girl and all my friends are having boys.
No Children Not Pregnant: The problem is shipping it (from Maryland to California) will cost a fortune.
Best Friend With Four Kids: Maybe I’ll just hold on to it for now. Do you think you’d find out ahead of time what you’re having?

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Monday, June 4, 2007

Fabulous news for a birthday girl: According to the bathroom wall at Seabright Brewery Pub & Restaurant in Santa Cruz, a woman reaches maximum beauty at age 30.9 years.
My husband wants to know what happens then. I say wait nine months and we’ll find out.

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