Wednesday, April 30, 2008

A sign I’m related to my mother:
Tonight, while watching TV, I said, “This is about to get Jerry Seinfeld.”
My husband said, “Don’t you mean Jerry Springer.”

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Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Have I mentioned my husband is an extremely talented photographer? It’s true.
Have I told you I never let him take my picture?
Well, I let him, but I complain about it.
This is because he likes to take my picture when I feel and look my absolute worst.
My hair is bad. My complexion is bad. My mood is bad. I’m not wearing any make-up or I don’t like the clothes I’m in. I would like to prepare myself for the camera. Couldn’t we schedule this?
But he doesn’t work that way. He likes to be spontaneous. He sees pretty light and wants me to stand in it. It really makes no difference to him whether I’ve showered.
The thing is I also complain that he doesn’t take my picture enough and why is it I married a photographer and have no decent photographs of myself.
Poor guy. Life is so unfair to artists.

By the way, if you are not on our mailing list and would like to be, please send your email address to john@johnstubler.com. You will receive a photo in your inbox every Wednesday.

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Monday, April 28, 2008

Me: “Is it funny?”
Him: “Do they all have to be funny? Is that your goal?”
Me: “No. But if it’s not funny then it should be deep. Funny or deep. What else is there? Although some would argue that I’m never really deep.”
Him: “Or funny.”

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Sunday, April 27, 2008

Two years ago I noticed an unflattering trend in clothing:
A-line blouses long enough to be baby-doll dresses.
I don’t know anything about fashion, but I call this style maternity.
If you’re pregnant, it’s a great look.
If you’re thin as a rail, it’s young and flirty.
If you’re neither (that would be me), it’s confusing.
But the trend is so pervasive, I have not been able to avoid it.
I currently own one dress and three tops that would easily keep people guessing. I feel like I’m setting myself up to have a stranger ask when the baby is due.

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Saturday, April 26, 2008

I learned something about myself today. I can not tell a joke.
I can tell a story, but a joke requires a punch line.
Of course I learned this while telling my friend and her parents a joke.
Poor dears.
The only one laughing was my husband.
He knew the joke and knew how miserably I fouled it up.

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Friday, April 25, 2008

Yesterday I learned we’re always within 8 feet of a spider.
I could have gone my whole life without that information.
It caused nightmares of the little beasts running toward me as I tried to sweep them away.

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Thursday, April 24, 2008

I’m hoping none of us will need this information anytime soon.
But Costco sells caskets online.
The warehouse store’s website has an entire funeral section.
Not what leaps to mind when I think of buying in bulk.

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Wednesday, April 23, 2008

At the risk of sounding at though we live in utter filth, I woke up this morning with another bug on my neck.
Actually, I had been awake for awhile and was in the middle of deep thoughts about rewriting sentences when I saw in the mirror a bug crawl out from under my shirt and up my neck.
Oh, the horror!
I’d like to know how I lived 30 years without this ever happening and now it’s happened twice in less than two months.
I’d also like to know how my husband sleeping beside me has avoided being attacked.
Is it the scent of my hairspray?
In defense of my housekeeping, which I admit is poor, the sheets are washed once a week and Terminix sprays outside every few months.

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Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Vegetarianism might be both healthy and holy.
In a brief description of Saint Theodore of Sykeon, it says: “He embarked upon a life of severe penance, subsisting on a meager vegetable diet.”

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Monday, April 21, 2008

For the person who has everything, the Dollar Tree now offers gift cards available in any amount starting at $5.

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Sunday, April 20, 2008

I obviously don’t have an unbiased point of view when it comes to the Pope. But what moved me today about the news coverage regarding his Mass at Yankee Stadium was how every reporter on every station (I flipped through just to make sure) seemed won over by his joy and sincerity.

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Saturday, April 19, 2008

There was an article on MSN today about “The Panic Years,” referring specifically to the time when one is single and all of her friends are married.
Personally, I think any stage of life could be defined by panic if we let it.
Which made me think of this alternative: Don’t panic. Ever.
While my emotional mind can’t imagine a world without the adrenaline rush provided by self-induced stress, the tiny bits of logic that live in my brain prefer this scripture:
“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add one moment to his span of life? … But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things shall be yours as well.” ~Matthew 6:25-27, 33

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Friday, April 18, 2008

People who don’t cook probably shouldn’t volunteer to cater breakfast for 15 women on retreat.
The good news is it’s a silent retreat.
If the strata is a flop, nobody can complain about it.

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Thursday, April 17, 2008

The Pope is in America, and my mom’s review is this:
“He speaks beautiful English.”

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Wednesday, April 16, 2008

I love the natural pharmacy as much as my husband loves Costco.
Maybe more.
It even has free samples although they’re usually vitamins.
But yesterday the sample tray was sporting individually wrapped “on-the-go wipettes.”
I immediately grabbed two: Basil Grapefruit scented and Citrus Galbanum made with essential oils.
I imagined saving the day with my handy, pocket-sized wipes.
The next time a child’s face or fingers needed to be cleaned in a pinch, I would be ready.
My preparedness would make me a hero.
The wipes were in my bag today when I noticed the brand name “SweetSpot” and the outline of a woman’s figure on the packaging, a tiny triangle indicating her most private part.
“What are these?” I thought as I began to blush.
I quickly scanned the small print for more information.
“A luxury wipette to keep your sweet spot set.”
“For purse, boudoir, and powder room. Instant girlification whenever you need it.”
“Keep out of reach of children.”
Oh my gosh! I picked up free samples of “intimate grooming” wipes.

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Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Excuse my bathroom humor. But the words “American Standard” engraved on toilet handles strikes me as funny.

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Monday, April 14, 2008

If you don’t have to show your ID to the pharmacist, you are wasting your money.
A week of DayQuil, NyQuil, Yin Chiao, Kombucha and Claritin did nothing but batter my liver.
One tiny, genuine 12-hour Sudafed kept me congestion-free all day.
There’s a reason the government requires a driver’s license and signature for this stuff.

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Sunday, April 13, 2008

Late Saturday, I made an emergency call to my brother.
My husband and I were locked inside a church and needed him to come get us out.
How did this happen? Oh, I wish I had an easy explanation.
Let me just say we’ve been going to this particular church nearly every day since Ash Wednesday and never once during that time have we come even remotely close to getting locked inside.
And really, what is family for if not to answer your midnight call and retrieve you from whatever cell you might find yourself trapped.
Just don’t expect them to be altogether happy about it.
“Normal people stay home and have sex on a Saturday night. Why couldn’t you have done that,” my brother chastised when he and my dad arrived to our rescue about a quarter to 1 a.m.

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Saturday, April 12, 2008

My dear Queen Bee, otherwise known as Best Friend With Four Kids, started a blog today. Understandably, she does not have time to write.
But my hope is if we show up to read, she will continue to share her borrowed wisdom with us.

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Friday, April 11, 2008

“Six-months ago, I told your mother I wasn’t going to do it. Don’t even ask me,” my dad said, explaining his case against the dreaded high school career day.
“I put my foot down,” he continued. “The night before I was telling her no. The next day I was there promptly at 8:30 a.m.”
My brother says my dad always gets the last word. It’s “yes, dear.”

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Thursday, April 10, 2008

This is a conversation I could not have without lying:
He said: “You’re not dieting, are you?”
She said: “Never in my life.”

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Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Here is a word that is not really a word and the use of it drives one of my dear friends crazy: Irregardless.

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Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Here is a question I hope you will answer: Where do you get your news?
Since leaving my job as a newspaper reporter almost two years ago, I find I keep myself mostly uninformed. Or informed through osmosis via my husband.

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Monday, April 7, 2008

Today, I popped into the natural pharmacy and picked up Yin Chiao, a Chinese herbal supplement meant to put the Kung Fu on any cold or flu.

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Sunday, April 6, 2008

I feel like every conversation I had this week was about water.
Namely, what’s in it.
According to news reports, the tap is more than a source of refreshing hydration. It’s spiked with a whole range of pharmaceuticals, including estrogen, mood-stabilizers and antibiotics.

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Saturday, April 5, 2008

When left to my own devices, my blog gets written very late.
That’s because hardly anything interesting happens when I spend the day on my own. Deep down, I’m quite boring.

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Friday, April 4, 2008

Tonight my husband and I met the newest member of our dear friends’ family. Andrew. Eight pounds four ounces of perfection.
Coincidently, today’s gospel spoke of the disciple by the same name in the telling of the loaves and the fishes.
I couldn’t help but think Love multiplies everything and makes us expand into more than we were.

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Thursday, April 3, 2008

I don’t read horoscopes, but fortune cookies have been really working for me lately.
The other day I ate two cookies and this is what they said:
“You will have a chance soon to make a profitable transaction.”
“The project you have in mind will soon gain momentum.”
Let me tell you, that’s great news!
Of course, there was the one I got on Easter, which seemed about 3 years late and only half true: “You are domestically inclined and will be happily married.”

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Wednesday, April 2, 2008

We all have secret talents, and I discovered one of my friend’s tonight.
She can fake sneeze. It’s really believable.
She learned this skill in high school. When asked why, she said, “For fun. So the boys would tell me, ‘bless you.’”

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Tuesday, April 1, 2008

I saw a license plate frame today that read, “I’m not the brat. I’m the Queen.”
Oh, I am so over the princess movement.
The one that excuses bad behavior and bad manners in the name of false royalty.

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